The New Forty? NOT!!

In the last couple of weeks there has been much hype in various newspapers and on several television programs regarding the “new 40” and how women are celebrating it. There has even been a book written about it called Fortytude by Sarah Brokaw.

They talked about how it is different than their Mother’s 40 who in some cases were really middle-aged in their thought processes and behavior or in some circumstances were close to becoming a grandmother. In many instances their Mothers at the age of 40 had already raised their children and were looking at an ‘empty nest’. However, in most situations today many of these women are just beginning their Motherhood and are dealing with diapers, daycare and play dates and not ending it. They talk about how they wanted the career, the marriage, the white picket fence and the 2.1 children and how they had to re-invent themselves. They also spoke about those who have not yet achieved that “American dream” and how they are dealing with it.

I guess I am a little bit taken aback that a generation of women who are 15 years younger than I am have let themselves be identified by the tradition of our foremothers. Have they forgotten the women who in the 1970’s rallied for equality and burned their bras so that women could have choices and were not put into a particular role and limited?

Am I less of an individual/woman for not having achieved the marriage, the white picket fence and the 2.1 children? Why should we be made to feel like a failure because our lives took a different fork in the road?

I am all for celebrating the milestones in our lives and certainly every birthday that ends with a “0” or a “5” is a milestone in my mind; BUT, our celebration should not be at the dismissal of another group of individuals who have for unknown reasons chosen a different life and not fulfilled the same dreams that these forty-somethings have.

I believe that every girl dreams of being married, having a successful career, living in a nice house and having children. What we do not know is what happened along the way that those dreams didn’t come true. Did she never meet her soul mate? Or maybe she did; but, a tragedy happened along the way. Maybe she couldn’t have children – you would be amazed at how many women I know in my age category who are to use a biblical term “barren” – is it devastating for us? YES! And we do not need to be constantly reminded about it. The white picket fence? Well maybe we have it and maybe we don’t – it may not be a white picket fence; but, it is our home and we made it ourselves.

What we do have and which you should all be thanking us for – are our careers. Throughout these decades we have been breaking the barriers for you, and working towards the glass ceiling. We embraced education and realized that it was important for us to become more than teachers and nurses (admirable careers); but, traditionally held by women. We entered colleges/universities which were originally only for men, we became proficient in sports and took advantage of Title IX and we did all types of jobs striving for that corner office.

Today women outnumber men entering college 43% to 35%; although in 2009 a college educated woman still only earned $0.77 on the dollar in comparison to men. Do we still have a ways to go on this front – ABSOLUTELY. But, let’s not forget how far we have come in 40 years. It took African Americans much longer to accomplish equality; the first slaves were brought to the United States (or the colonies) in 1619; in 1870 the 15th Amendment proclaimed that all US citizens (despite race, color, creed) had the right to vote; that was 251 years after the first African American came to our country. And, more importantly, it wasn’t until the Voting Rights Act of 1965 that Blacks voted in the United States another 95 years after the 15th Amendment.

Looking at that timeline – we’ve come a long way baby – in a very short period of time. Let’s not make light of what has been accomplished by the women from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. Instead let’s celebrate that we now have CHOICES in our lives and not one of them is wrong. It is for the individual to decide what they want, what they will need to sacrifice; and, more importantly how to deal with the curve balls life throws at us.

As Erma Bombeck said, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

Here is to your lemonade, be it traditional, pink or any other color/flavor.

Who and What is Parenting?

I know that many of you who read this blog are parents and many of you like me are not. I often wonder what makes a parent and how do you learn to properly parent your child? This blog is the result of a conversation I had earlier this week with a man I have known from the conferencing industry for many years, he is commonly known as “The Crystal Bald”.

He sent me the following website to review: www.talkaboutparenting.org and to see what we can do from our collective connections within large organizations to help them.

That is what started me thinking on who parents a child today. Our families are no longer the nucleus they were when many of us were growing up; a father, mother, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents all living usually within a 10 mile radius or less. And every individual had a role in our development as children, teenagers and young adults. Generally our parents were strict; expecting good manners and good grades from us, in my family since both my parents worked my aunt would pick us up from school and we would have dinner at my grandmother’s house until my Mom came home and took us to our apartment. Abuela (Grandma in Spanish) generally would make those dinner dishes which we enjoyed so she would indulge us a bit. My aunts were a bit stricter being our second Mother and ensuring that we followed her expectations. My cousin was an only child with no father being raised in a totally woman filled environment – my Grandfather would visit once a week, bring us treats and introduced my cousin to the New York Yankees by listening to them every Sunday on the radio.

I am sure that each of you has memories of what your families were like, who indulged you, who reprimanded you and who introduced you to sports, theater, museums and travel.

What of families today? Today families are disbursed throughout the country and it is not unheard of for a grandparent to not see their newborn grandchild until they are a couple of years old. Many grandparents use applications like Skype to speak to their children and grandchildren throughout the US. The nuclear Sunday dinner is almost forgotten due to the various activities our children participate in and our very busy, “connected” lives to our jobs.

So, having said that; who parents today? Well, it should not be your child’s teacher – their job and function is to educate your child and to open their horizons to what the world has to offer and not to babysit them. It is not their coach or dance instructor; theirs is to ensure that your child enjoys the activity, is instructed in it, understands it and does it to the best of their ability.

It is ours, the Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents. Each of us can play a variety of roles with the children in our families. As I have stated previously I do not have any children; but, there are members of my family for whom I have been a “second” Mom to or the Aunt “Mame” in their lives. Each of them although having been introduced to many fun things with me; Sweet 16 in Hawaii, 21 in London/Ireland, various trips to Disneyworld, Puerto Rico or Amsterdam; they have also realized the expectations I have of each of them. They are to mind their manners, to be cordial to people they are introduced to, to behave themselves in public, to be honest and to give of themselves to others. They have not disappointed me and they have grown to be a very responsible man and woman.

It is now the next generation that we are parenting. I have to admit this generation doesn’t necessarily like it. We get the sullen look when they are told “no” or if it is the youngest one a slight tantrum. I have seen the lips quiver and tears at the corner of the older one’s eyes when he has been reprimanded on his behavior. It is a case of this being brought to his attention. Are each of them respectful and thankful when they receive something or are taken on a trip, ABSOLUTELY; but, what we are trying to teach them is that this is a treat and not an “expected” event.

I enjoy this time with them even when having to reprimand them. I know that they will grow up to be good individuals as you can see it in their actions already. Don’t deny yourself the joy of being able to mold a young child into a wonderful adult. Be there for the good times; but, also be there to pick them up when they stumble, to listen to them and not just dismiss their concerns and fears. Be their “cheering” section – every child needs to know that you are there for them through thick and thin.

Those of you who read this know that we are “blessed”; I want you to think of all the other individuals who are not as fortunate as we and who are struggling to do the same thing. Raise good children to be wonderful adults. Our families can always grow beyond our nucleus – we are a family; our common bond and the strongest is the love we have for our children.

Spread the love beyond yours and to others.

Lazy Crazy Hazy Days of Summer

How do you spend your weekends? The weather has been absolutely gorgeous and the weathermen have declared just about every day a beach day. So what did you do?

Even those of us who are single have obligations to our family, friends, job – we may actually be the first person people reach out to because they feel we don’t have any obligations and a lot of free time on our hands. But, is it possible that for those same reasons you put yourself last?

It has taken me years to realize that time for myself is important; and, that I am important. It is not being selfish to decide that you need some “alone” or “private” time. You may take that time first thing in the morning or carve a piece out through the day. Usually my private time is on the weekends and in the afternoons.

As you already know during the week I am up at 4:45 in the morning – I have found that on weekends I really cannot sleep much later than 5:30, so up I am and starting my day. Needless to say by 8AM I have taken a shower, made my bed, had my breakfast, read the newspapers, washed the dishes, taken out the garbage and am now off to the gym. After the gym you know the usual errands – but, now I am home and I have the entire afternoon. I spend time weeding the garden and pruning the bushes. I also find that I tend to be tired and will end up taking a nap on Saturdays and Sundays – how decadent. As you can see, not only babies take a nap.

This past month I have been reading quite a bit – although there are a few shows on television that I enjoy they tend to come on at 9 and 10PM – I am asleep at that hour and DVR them for me to watch the next day. So lately at 6PM I pick up my book and read for about 2 hours before I start to get ready for the next day.

Today, I did something I should have been doing every weekend. I went on my back patio and laid on my lounge chair and read my book for an hour in the sun. Although I have decorated my patio nicely with a table, chairs, umbrella and lots of potted plants; it tends to get very hot in the late morning/early afternoon as the sun moves to that side of the house. Today I didn’t go out until around 3:30 and the sun was not strong, there was a slight breeze which had the wind chimes moving. I put on some sun block, laid my towel on the lounge and read several chapters of my book. What a wonderful way to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

How did you spend your Sunday afternoon? Were you in traffic coming back from the shore? Or did you host a family/friends barbecue? Are you getting packed for your vacation? All of that is fine and comes with the summer; but, you know what? Autumn will be here soon enough and with that the soccer, football, hockey games for your children, the holidays, etc.

Slow down, be lazy, focus on yourself – become one with summer. Remember that song, “those lazy crazy hazy days of summer” (1). Summer is short-lived, we yearn for it and before we know it, it is gone and we have not taken advantage of all that it has to offer. A time of growth, rejuvenation and to shine.

Don’t feel that it is necessary to fill every hour of your day with an activity – let the day and your body tell you what to do. Have a picnic in your backyard with your kids instead of running to the beach and getting caught up in the traffic. Turn on the sprinkler and let them run under it; enjoy their shrieks as they try to run from the water. Listen for the ice cream truck and let them buy it from him instead of taking it out of your freezer. And, most importantly give them a hug and smell the warmth of the sun on their bodies. This is what summer is all about.

We still have another 6 weeks before your kids go back to school and the freedom of summer is gone. Take advantage of this time when the days are longer, the sun is stronger and we feel more alive. Think of yourself, what gives you comfort and joy – what will relax you and rejuvenate you.

As the song says, “Slow down, you move too fast” (2); enjoy the time for what it is and what is there. Every season has its purpose, let’s not forget what summer is about – a time to be a little “lazy”.

To your laziness.

1 Those Lazy Crazy Hazy Days of Summer
2 Feelin Groovy

The Last Two Weeks

I want to go ahead and give each of you an update on my new job – you have been there with me through the interview process and in the weeks before I started so having been officially on the payroll for two weeks I thought it would be appropriate.

First and foremost, my day begins at 4:50AM by either the alarm going off or my automatically waking up. My body has already acclimated to that time and I generally am awake before the alarm goes off. I am ready and out the door by 5:45. I remember to pick up my breakfast and snack from the kitchen each morning, (there is no cafeteria in my office) so I usually take a piece of cheese and a banana and some cherries to eat throughout the day. There is a Starbuck’s about 1 mile from the office and I pick up a non-fat venti latte then head into the office. With all that I am still at my desk by 7AM.

The last couple of weeks I have been working between two (2) offices and learning as much as I can. My first presentation was due this past week and it went well and was received positively by my Management – that made me feel great. I am working on a video conferencing managed service and really have no statistics as to what are the number of meetings, the success rate, the issues, etc. With that in mind I will just need to build a program from scratch and from that understand what the trending is.

I generally leave my office between 2:30 and 3PM enabling me to miss most of the traffic on the way home. I can be home within an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. Now my total commute is about 107 miles. My car a burgundy Honda CRV was a 3 year – 36,000 mile lease; but, with my commute I was closely approaching 21,000 miles at the end of the 2 years. Last weekend my Honda dealer was having a promotion for those of us with CRVs and two years on our lease – I was able to get out of my current lease and into a 2011 blue pearl Honda CRV for 3 years and 18,000 miles/year. The additional 6,000 miles per year should keep me within the lease and I won’t worry about going over. I was able to pick up the new car this past Wednesday.

Getting home by 4:15 I am still able to run to the cleaners, post office and grocery store before they close and I can even catch the 5 o’clock news or watch a show that I had DVR’d the night before.

Now I have to admit that I cannot stay up late – one night last week I was in bed by 8:30. Most nights it is 9PM; but, I have to admit that if I am watching a show I generally have fallen asleep by 9:15. I now basically DVR any shows I am interested in as I know that I won’t be able to stay awake for the whole thing.

What I am looking forward to is that even in the wintertime my commute will still occur during daylight hours. I appreciate that I can work a couple of days from home. Last week it was Monday (a holiday) and Friday. Fridays will be a given work day from home; and, that second day will depend upon what is happening for the week. This week Monday I will work from home again; and, if I have no meetings on Thursday then I will work from home on Thursday too.

Those of you who have known me for years realize that I am highly organized so on Sunday afternoons I am upstairs in my bedroom pressing and deciding my clothes for the week. Each evening I lay out my jewelry, shoes and intimates and my suit is hanging up with the requisite blouse and belt to reduce the time I need to get ready in the morning. I also make sure that my briefcase has everything in it that I need and all I need to do is pick up my food from the refrigerator.

So, my day may begin early, but it also ends early. I still have time to enjoy the news each evening, water my plants and to read a book or catch a show (as long as it starts at 8 and ends at 9). Since I never watched Letterman or Jay Leno – I am not missing anything by not staying up for it.

Wasn’t it Ben Franklin who touted, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”? Well here is to being healthy, wealthy and wise.

4th of July

Tomorrow is the 4th of July – can you believe it? My life seems to be a whirlwind lately; although, don’t get me wrong I much prefer to have a lot of things to do than none at all.

I am trying to figure out a routine for my new life and I am not sure that I will be able to have it as orderly and neat as I like. For an individual like myself who is borderline OCD it is hard for me to set my routine when I am not sure what office I will be at on what days, etc. Does it keep my life fun? Absolutely, but having lost quite a bit of weight and gotten into a workout routine I am trying to figure that out with my new work life.

So far I know that I will be working from home on Fridays so I will be having an 8AM training session with my trainer, Jennifer. My Saturdays and Sundays are set with aqua aerobics and Zumba unless I am babysitting the boys like I did today. Now I need to add a couple of days during the week; I am thinking of taking Zumba on Monday evenings from 7 to 8PM as I like the instructor Liz and I can also do Zumba on Friday nights from 6 to 7PM. I am thinking of a Spinning class – I have never done it and there are two schools of thought here – people who love it and people who don’t. I do know that it can do tremendous things to change the overall appearance of your body and I wouldn’t mind losing another 10 pounds although there are people I know who will have said to me “enough already”.

But overall to give you an impression of my job – I love it!!. Everyone is nice and cordial – it is a philosophy and a behavior of the organization. I wear business clothes daily and I have to say after 2 ½ years of working in my gym clothes I enjoy getting up and putting on a business suit. I drive to work and since I have early hours (7AM to 3PM) I am out the door at 5:45 and at my desk before 7 even with stopping at a Starbucks for a Venti skim latte. I am home by 4PM with plenty of time to run errands, see the news and enjoy the evening before heading up to bed by 9:30/10PM.

What did you do this long weekend? I had/have a jam packed weekend ahead of me. Friday found me training with Jennifer, picking my car up from the body shop, food shopping for girl’s night. I had some friends from the Club (that is what we call our gym) over for tapas and sangria. Everyone made something and I provided the tapas which were: pork stuffed mushrooms, beef empanadas, shrimp scampi and lobster Cobb rolls.

Saturday I went to aqua aerobics and then did errands like the bank, cleaners, etc., I also did laundry. Sunday was my weekend day to watch the boys and I always like to put together my clothes for the entire week; this way I don’t have to think about it again. Tomorrow will be a “me” day.

Have you ever taken a “me” day? I don’t do this often – I don’t know why I guess I feel guilty treating myself in this way; however, I have two substantial gift certificates to Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door Salon so I have made an appointment for a manicure, pedicure AND a hot stone massage. I will certainly be relaxed and primp – why can’t I have a doctor’s appointment after that?!? I am sure my blood pressure would be just fine!!! It is hard for me to fit these luxury items into my life and I just decided to bite the bullet and do it.

Will I remember what this weekend is about? Absolutely. I am proud to be an American and to have the privileges and liberties that it affords me. I am aware that everyday other Americans die on my and your behalf to continue to be able to have those privileges. Are things perfect in the United States? No, they are not; we have a high unemployment rate, not everyone has access to healthcare, there is an obesity issue in this country and too much emphasis is placed on a college degree and then no work for those individuals who graduate.

Would I sometimes like this to be a simpler time – YES!!! I would like it if we once again had trade or vocational schools so that we could give as much emphasis on becoming an electrician or plumber as we do to a doctor or a lawyer. For us to have tolerance for the new immigrants to our country trying to make a better life for themselves and their families just like our ancestors did over a hundred years ago.

We as individuals have a voice in America. Utilize that voice. We are coming into the 2012 election process, just as our forefathers molded this country into what they wanted it to be and moved themselves away from tyranny so should we be telling our Congressmen and Senators what we want our country to be in the future.

Honor the 4th of July by having a voice. Then enjoy your barbecue.