As we get older and begin a relationship with an individual – what do we want? I am writing this blog at the request of a friend of mine who has been divorced for several years, dated several men and for the first time is dating someone several years older than her and who is retired.
She came to me because for the past three years I have been dating a gentleman who is 12 years older than me; and, although retired from the company we both worked for he is still actively working (probably more hours than he did before).
The question really is – what should relationships be for women who are in the sunset of 55? Personally, I do not feel the need to marry although I have never married. At my age a relationship is not based on procreating and bringing children into this world so there is no marriage requirement (which I am old-fashioned at this; but, think you should do when you have children).
At our ages both he and I have a routine and enjoy our private time. I lead a full life – I work full time, I go to the gym four days a week, I babysit my great-nephews a few times a month and I meet friends for dinner or I go to the theater and I will either watch a TV show or read a book in the evenings. The cherry on the sundae is when he and I get together. Our time is special and is based on what has been going on in our respective lives.
We discuss politics, has the weather done any damage to our respective homes, what is going on in each of our jobs and our families. We enjoy a nice meal (whether I cook or we go out) a glass of wine and our private time together. I know that we have a monogamous relationship and we both totally trust each other when we are not together. Do we have arguments? NO. Why should we? Life is too short and all relationships are based on a compromise.
My thoughts are that I do not need to marry him. I respect that he has 3 children and 6 grandchildren and they should be the heirs to his estate. Likewise, I have nieces, nephews and my cousin who I have made the beneficiary of my estate and each of our families should feel secure that neither he nor I are infringing on this.
So I am always baffled by women who are my age who are dating and want that engagement ring and want to get married. Why? What does the certificate or the ring mean? Men have cheated on women with those items in place – although these are symbols of commitment – the actions of an individual speak louder than the symbols.
Is it because of the fear of growing old alone? Personally I really don’t want anyone around me should I become terribly ill – I have signed my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), procured Long Term Care insurance and completed my Will. I am not looking at any member of my family or my significant other to be my nursemaid.
Is it companionship? Then I can agree with you on that; but, you don’t need to be married to have companionship. I want him to enjoy experience and be introduced to new adventures with me. What is so wonderful is that we are two individuals with some similar likes and with many diverse likes. It is those things that I most prefer – trying something new to eat, like seaweed salad or going to a jazz club or his finding out that I love to dance. We enjoy doing mundane things too; like food shopping or going to Home Depot or picking up gift cards for his grandchildren. Life if full of the “routine” and then those special occasions; for me it is important that we can enjoy the routine just as much as we enjoy the special occasions.
So for those of you in my age category or for those of you who may be pondering what you want in a relationship – really think about it. A ring and putting someone else’s last name as yours ISN’T a relationship or a commitment. It is about the quality of the time you spend together and if each of you is complementing the other. He cannot make you happy – he cannot fulfill your life’s dreams; only YOU can do that.
Remember that True Love is in the Actions, not the Words.
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