Love When You are Older

As we get older and begin a relationship with an individual – what do we want? I am writing this blog at the request of a friend of mine who has been divorced for several years, dated several men and for the first time is dating someone several years older than her and who is retired.

She came to me because for the past three years I have been dating a gentleman who is 12 years older than me; and, although retired from the company we both worked for he is still actively working (probably more hours than he did before).

The question really is – what should relationships be for women who are in the sunset of 55? Personally, I do not feel the need to marry although I have never married. At my age a relationship is not based on procreating and bringing children into this world so there is no marriage requirement (which I am old-fashioned at this; but, think you should do when you have children).

At our ages both he and I have a routine and enjoy our private time. I lead a full life – I work full time, I go to the gym four days a week, I babysit my great-nephews a few times a month and I meet friends for dinner or I go to the theater and I will either watch a TV show or read a book in the evenings. The cherry on the sundae is when he and I get together. Our time is special and is based on what has been going on in our respective lives.

We discuss politics, has the weather done any damage to our respective homes, what is going on in each of our jobs and our families. We enjoy a nice meal (whether I cook or we go out) a glass of wine and our private time together. I know that we have a monogamous relationship and we both totally trust each other when we are not together. Do we have arguments? NO. Why should we? Life is too short and all relationships are based on a compromise.

My thoughts are that I do not need to marry him. I respect that he has 3 children and 6 grandchildren and they should be the heirs to his estate. Likewise, I have nieces, nephews and my cousin who I have made the beneficiary of my estate and each of our families should feel secure that neither he nor I are infringing on this.

So I am always baffled by women who are my age who are dating and want that engagement ring and want to get married. Why? What does the certificate or the ring mean? Men have cheated on women with those items in place – although these are symbols of commitment – the actions of an individual speak louder than the symbols.

Is it because of the fear of growing old alone? Personally I really don’t want anyone around me should I become terribly ill – I have signed my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), procured Long Term Care insurance and completed my Will. I am not looking at any member of my family or my significant other to be my nursemaid.

Is it companionship? Then I can agree with you on that; but, you don’t need to be married to have companionship. I want him to enjoy experience and be introduced to new adventures with me. What is so wonderful is that we are two individuals with some similar likes and with many diverse likes. It is those things that I most prefer – trying something new to eat, like seaweed salad or going to a jazz club or his finding out that I love to dance. We enjoy doing mundane things too; like food shopping or going to Home Depot or picking up gift cards for his grandchildren. Life if full of the “routine” and then those special occasions; for me it is important that we can enjoy the routine just as much as we enjoy the special occasions.

So for those of you in my age category or for those of you who may be pondering what you want in a relationship – really think about it. A ring and putting someone else’s last name as yours ISN’T a relationship or a commitment. It is about the quality of the time you spend together and if each of you is complementing the other. He cannot make you happy – he cannot fulfill your life’s dreams; only YOU can do that.

Remember that True Love is in the Actions, not the Words.

Don't Rush the Season

Is it still summer or is it Christmas? Are you confused by which season we are living in? I know I am.

I went to my local Home Goods store last weekend and what do I find? Not seashells or Tiki torches; but, Halloween costumes, pilgrim statues and pumpkins. Since the July 4th weekend there have been commercials and advertisements regarding “back to school” sales. Wasn’t the last day of school in the Northeast June 24th? If I were a child in school I would be totally upset that one (1) week out of school and already I am being bombarded with what I need to buy for going back to school.

What happened to the time that we relished celebrated and enjoyed the full three months of each season? I can remember as a child not worrying about school until about two (2) weeks before it was supposed to start, then we would go clothes shopping. We never went for school supplies until the afternoon of the first day of school as that day we would receive the list of things we needed.

As for Halloween, it was never thought about until October – then we would start thinking of what costume we needed and two weeks before you would see the candy bags in the supermarkets. Already the supermarkets, drug stores and retail stores have all the bags of candy out and tempting the children; and, maybe you too. Well I am one of those holdouts who will not buy my candy until the week before Halloween for a couple of reasons; (1) I don’t want the temptation in my house, (2) hopefully the prices will drop as Halloween gets closer.

I am not saying that I am one of those individuals that waits until December 24th to do my Christmas shopping; in fact, my shopping is generally finished by the end of September as I tend to shop all year round for people. As I see something that is right for an individual – I buy it and put it away. What I am saying is “don’t rush the season” by putting things out for the next one. I don’t want to think about buying a winter coat when it is 85 degrees outside with 100% humidity – I am thinking of a bathing suit and shorts.

In mid-September I will take down my summer decorations and out will come the harvest decorations; my witches and ghosts will not appear until October 1st and my pilgrims will come out November 1st. The only exception to this rule is that I will put up my Christmas decorations on the weekend following Thanksgiving. I don’t understand people who already have their Christmas tree up by Thanksgiving – WHY? Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday steeped in tradition and truly American – why cheat it of its place of honor as a holiday in our lives?

So here is a cheat sheet for you – here is what you can celebrate for each month within a season:

FALL
September back to school, apple picking, Mums
October Halloween, pumpkin decorating, turning leaves
November turkeys, Thanksgiving, football

WINTER
December Christmas, the first snow, twinkling lights
January New Year, hot chocolate, snowmen
February Love, Valentine’s Day and anything chocolate

SPRING
March St. Patrick’s Day, green beer & bagels, tulips and crocuses
April Easter, eggs, bunnies and chickadees
May Mother’s Day, Memorial Day parades, brunch

SUMMER
June Proms, graduations, end of school
July July 4th, barbecues, fireworks
August Summer, suntan lotion, the beach

Now don’t you feel better? Every month and every season has a purpose and we should enjoy it for it’s fullest whether it is 28, 30 or 31 days long.

ENJOY THE SEASON!!!

The Merits of Sleep

Sleep. That all wonderful slumber. I seem to have a “love/hate” relationship with sleep. I really would like to know how much should I have; am I getting enough and who said as you get older you need less sleep?

I am one of those individuals who suffers from insomnia – it especially gets worse if I am stressed, have deliverables on my mind or sometimes if I have not eaten enough for the day; there is nothing worse than having your stomach growl at night “FEED ME”!

After almost two years of not going to bed until 10/11PM and getting up at 7; I am now unable to stay awake past 9:15 since I get out of bed at 4:45 each morning that I go into the office. On weekends I am a little more lenient in that I don’t get out of bed until 6AM; but, my body is certainly ready to start sleeping at 9:15. I feel like my great nephew, Callum who can certainly sleep 12 hours at night and then take a 2 hour power nap during the day.

At any time when I vary from this regimented routine I pay the price of my body wanting to sleep in the middle of the day. Case in point, this past weekend I did not sleep well – I had my great nephews with me on both Friday and Saturday night – Ryan the older one I do not need to worry about. But, Callum who is going to be 3 slept in my bed with me. I did not want him to fall off the bed (he is a traveler when he sleeps) so I built this huge pillow barricade on one side of the bed and I made myself the other barricade with him sleeping in the middle. I was up several times during the night as he moved around and tossed and turned – and since I had them during the day there was no opportunity to nap.

On Monday I went to dinner with my family (birthday celebration) and did not get home until after 9 and to bed until 10:30; WAY past my bedtime. Although on Tuesday I worked from home and got up at 6 so I had a bit more sleep than usual. But, the kicker was that I needed to be in the office for 6:30 on Wednesday.

I had a meeting at another facility for 8AM – it was 30 minutes drive from my office so I wanted to get into my office, settle, have my coffee and then drive to the other site. It is amazing what 15 minutes difference will do to your body. I woke up at 4:30 so I could be in my office at 6:30 in the morning. By noon my body was flagging and ready for a nap. I left my office at 1:30 and was home by 2:30PM; all I wanted to do was eat something and sleep. I did eat some lunch/dinner and then tried to watch the shows that I had DVRd from the night before. At one point I woke up to see that the show had played through but I certainly didn’t remember it. Needless to say that by 8 I was heading up to my bedroom to go to sleep; in bed by 9 I was hoping for a great rest.

Not what I got. I fell asleep shortly after 9; and then woke up thinking – “wow, I feel great, I guess it is time to get up soon” THEN reality set in when I looked at the clock and it said 11:45 – I had barely been asleep for more than 2 hours. And the rest of the night went the same way.

I don’t know about you but I am one of those individuals who really works well with about 5 to 6 hours of UNinterrupted sleep; if it is going to be a night when I am waking up several times a night then I would prefer to be in bed for at least 8 hours. Some people say “sleep is overrated”. I disagree with them. While you sleep your body is rejuvenating itself, your muscles are relaxing and your heart rate slows down.

I sometimes think that we do not take seriously the merits of a good sleep or the need for us as humans to sleep; so here are some reasons why sleep is important to our well being – they are all from the Division of Sleep Medicine at Harvard Medical School:

1. Sleep helps keep your heart healthy. Sleep helps to reduce the levels of stress and inflammation in your body. Sleep can also help keep blood pressure and cholesterol levels in check.
2. Sleep reduces stress. A good night's sleep can help lower blood pressure and elevated levels of stress hormones, which are a natural result of today's fast paced lifestyle.
3. Sleep improves your memory. That 'foggy' feeling that you struggle with when deprived of sleep makes it difficult to concentrate. This often leads to memory problems with facts, faces, lessons, or even conversations. Sleeping well eliminates these difficulties because, as you sleep, your brain is busy organizing and correlating memories.
4. Sleep helps control body weight issues. Sleep helps regulate the hormones that affect and control your appetite. Studies have shown that when your body is deprived of sleep, the normal hormone balances are interrupted and your appetite increases. Unfortunately this increase in appetite doesn't lead to a craving for fruits and veggies. Rather, your body longs for foods high in calories, fats, and carbohydrates.
5. Sleep reduces your chances of diabetes. Researchers have shown that lack of sleep may lead to type 2 diabetes by affecting how your body processes glucose, which is the carbohydrate your cells use for fuel.
6. Sleep reduces the occurrence of mood disorders. With insufficient sleep during the night, many people become agitated or moody the following day. Yet, when limited sleep becomes a chronic issue, studies have shown it can lead to long-term mood disorders such as depression or anxiety.

I hope I have given you sufficient reason to take your sleep requirements seriously and next time listen to your body when it is craving some sleep.

I will get my body into a good rhythm although given our hectic lifestyles it is understandable when it needs to be out of a sync for a specific event.

Take that nap, get that good night’s sleep.

Grateful for Another Year

Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 56. Although many of you may be questioning why I would willingly give out my age and/or admit that I am celebrating this age – I am very proud for every year that I live.

I have now outlived my Mother by 20 years – she died at the age of 36. I never thought that this would happen – so I am most grateful for every year that I have on this earth and that I am healthy, happy and comfortable.

Did my life turn out as I expected it to be? No, not at all. If anything it is very far from what I thought I would do and become in this life.

I knew I would go to college – that was always a given in my life. But, I always thought I would be a teacher – that was what my college degree was in, that is what all my college friends and sorority sisters were majoring in; so why wouldn’t I be a teacher.

Well, when I graduated in 1978 I knew I didn’t want to stay in North Carolina; but, instead to come back to New York where my aunts and my cousin and his wife lived. In 1978 the New York public schools were not hiring teachers, as a new teacher you had no seniority and were sent to wherever they needed you within the five (5) city boroughs; and, lastly I would be a high school teacher where the students would be taller and bigger than me. I distinctly remembered my High School English teacher, Miss Pat talking about an incident when she taught in New York where the students lifted the teacher in her chair and threw her out the window. I was not looking to re-enact the female version of “To Sir, With Love”.

Besides the physical concern and the distance travel to a school or neighborhood that was “sketchy” I would also need to get my New York State Teacher’s License as my License was from North Carolina; and, also begin my Master’s Degree in order to keep teaching. As for teaching at a parochial school it was well known that the salary would not be a good one. So off I went to work at Citibank because one of my Aunts was a Manager there and I had worked for Citibank each summer while in college.

So instead here I am today in the conferencing/collaboration industry determining what applications are ready for video; what challenges we may have in adding new devices (iPADS, smart phones, etc.) to my infrastructure, how do I keep information secure and how do I make everything 99% successful and reliable?

Having raised my younger brother and sister I thought for sure I would be married and have children. That did not happen either. I did come very close to being married; and, unfortunately he died of a cerebral hemorrhage; and, we had had discussions of having a child. Today I know that should he have lived I would never have become pregnant as an accident I had at the age of 11 affected my ability to get pregnant. Do I regret it? No, not really. I have a lovely niece and nephew that I am very close to; and, I am also now close to my nephew’s children.

So nor am I a grandmother at this age – but I am the “infamous” Auntie Toni (a la Aunt Mame). I am the Aunt who lets you have two (2) desserts in one day at lunch AND at dinner. I am the one who will introduce you to Disneyworld, take you on a cruise or go to a Caribbean island for spring break. I am still agile and healthy enough to take you to the amusement park, get on the floor and play with you or inflate a pool for you to splash in when it is very hot. Most important to me is that they know I love them; that they can come and talk to me at any time without being judged; and, if I am capable I will help them in any way.

The white picket fence house – no I don’t have that either; but, I do have a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhouse in a very nice quaint town. I can plant my flowers, change my flags to reflect the season or holiday and have a multitude of children at my door for Halloween “trick or treating”.

And I am very fortunate to be dating a gentleman who is intelligent, kind, handsome and loving. There is nothing better than to share your successes with another individual, to appreciate one anothers accomplishments and to learn from each other. Each of us needs our privacy and for that reason it is even lovelier when we get together to have a lively discussion on current events, share each others interests or just have a good meal with a glass of wine.

So although at 56 my life may not have turned out the way I dreamed of it 40 years ago – I think it is pretty good and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Be Happy with What You have Reaped.