Respect

As February comes to a close I would like to touch on a topic that perhaps many of us don’t think of; but, something we each demand: RESPECT.

Since I am Puerto Rican I was brought up being told and expected to ‘respect my elders’; this was done and given with no thought as to whether the individual deserved it or not. And there was no greater slight to an adult than to have someone disrespect them. This accolade is not just for Puerto Ricans; we all remember seeing the movie, “The Godfather” and a perennial theme throughout the movie was the respect of the Don.

Let’s face it we all want RESPECT; but, the question is do we deserve it? And, more importantly do we give that same respect to all individuals.

I have to agree that as young children you should be taught to respect ALL people – not just your elders. But, have you thought that that child also deserves our respect. To have said that means that we need to understand what respect means to each of us.

For me, respect is originally blindly given; but, after I know you it needs to be earned. What a dichotomy!! Respect to me is similar to trust – we each enter relationships, acquaintances and friendships totally open, giving and thinking the best of each individual. It is only through our interactions that we either give more of those attributes to the individuals or if they betray us, lie to us or generally lose their luster we start to take them away.

I am sometimes disheartened when I see people be disrespected for the jobs that they do. I can see you all saying, “What do you mean Toni?” How many of you have dismissed a waitress, a sanitation man or the grocery bagger? Why did you do it? Was it because the job they were doing was less valuable or important than yours? They earn an honest living just the way we do – because it is considered menial by society does not make it any less important. We have disrespected the individuals by not even acknowledging their existence.

Do you take the time to say “Hello” to the individual who gave you your coffee? Thank you to the cashier at the grocery store or to the gas station attendant? Acknowledgement of an individual is a form of respect for them and for what they have just done for you. Remember, that as adults we need to earn respect – you earn it by how you treat others. Too often lately I see more rudeness from individuals than kindness or respect. Do you remember the last time you held a door open for someone and they didn’t say ‘thank you’? This happens to me a couple of times a week. Every now and then I have this terrible urge to SCREAM to that person “you're welcome” and see if they are embarrassed.

I am a firm believer in “you reap what you sow” and respect is one of those attributes that when given to deserving individuals you will receive it back tenfold. You will be respected for the individual that you are, the way you treat others, your contribution to your family, friends and community.

RESPECT reminds me of The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”.

As the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin said, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”.

Unconditional Love

By now you may have noticed that this month’s blogs have all focused on various ways to “love”. I specifically did that because of February being considered the month of love due to Valentines. I have spoken about like, about self-love and today I will try to write about “unconditional love”.

Is it possible to have “unconditional love” between a man and a woman, between friends, family members or is it just something that happens with babies and animals? I would like to believe that as adults we can experience and give “unconditional love”.

What is “unconditional love”? For me it is being able to love an individual for who they are and not for what we want or expect of them. And that is why I equate it to the love that we give to a baby or a pet. We love them for who they are – not because we expect them to smile for us or fetch our slippers. We don’t expect special tricks or for them to remember that it is Mother’s Day or to hug us tighter because we had a bad day at work.

However it appears that as we get older loving someone has certain “strings” that go with it and I do think this is a result of there being expectations of us as we get older. For me as a young child I was expected to never bring home a grade lower than a B on my report card, to keep a clean room, to be neat and to act properly (seen and not heard). As I got older it was expected that I would marry, have children and manage a household. And with those expectations was the amount of love that was demonstrated and received; it became a testament to my worth.

But why do we have to have expectations? Why do we feel that being in a relationship requires that we have a standing Friday night date or that there are flowers and dinner for Valentine’s Day? Have you ever realized how many times you have been disappointed because the individual did not meet your expectations? How many times you were angry or had an argument because everyone had different expectations?

After not living up to my family’s expectations and not having my own expectations met – I am trying to love unconditionally. To relish and enjoy the moment and to not take it further than that moment. How often when you have met someone new have you wondered, “is he the one”, “when will we move in together”, etc.? Instead why don’t you view this individual as a gift – something to enjoy maybe just for a little bit or maybe forever; but, don’t expect.

When I think of “unconditional love” I think of my 2 ½ year old great nephew. He cherishes the time you spend with him singing songs, helping him do his tumbling or playing patty cake. He doesn’t look for a gift other than a hug and a kiss and he enjoys the hours we spend together.

Go back to your childhood and view everything as new, as an adventure, as something to be enjoyed for the moment. Don’t expect, don’t set time lines and don’t compare to what you have had in the past or to what others have.

We are each unique – enjoy the uniqueness of everyone you meet.

Love Thyself

Tomorrow is February 14th or as we lovingly call it “Valentine’s Day” – for most single women probably the worst day of the year next to New Year’s Eve. But, it doesn’t have to be a terrible day; it can be a wonderful day with the emphasis on the right individual, “YOU”.

First, I want to give you a little bit of history on St. Valentine, who he was, how did Valentine’s begin and how have we come to celebrate it. It is believed that St. Valentine lived in Rome under the ruling of Emperor Claudius II, now here is where there are a couple of potential legends; 1) the Emperor who needed to build up his army decided that all single men would become soldiers and he outlawed marriages – St. Valentine continued to marry the single men in secrecy; 2) he helped Christians escape from Roman prisons and torture; 3) he sent the first “valentine” to his jailor’s daughter who would visit him and whom he fell in love with; before his death he signed his missive to her “From your Valentine”. Later in 498 AD Pope Gelaius declared February 14th St. Valentine’s Day – this was centered on the Roman fertility rites which were held during that time of the year as a spring ritual. It was not until the 1700’s when valentine cards and small gifts were exchanged both in England and the United States.

There is much pressure placed on us to make Valentine’s Day memorable through gifts, flowers, cards and dinner dates; but, if you are single none of that happens and we feel “left out” of the festivities. It has become a day when we focus our love on others; but, to love others don’t we have to love ourselves first?

How do you love yourself? What do you do to show that you appreciate the person that you have become? Do you define yourself through your work, your education or through what you have acquired? It is easy as a single individual to not think of our individual attributes as worthy; but, instead to let our accomplishments and acquisitions define us.

It is difficult to love another individual unless you can love yourself – now you are all sitting there saying; but, Toni I love myself – sit back and really think on that, hmm. How would you describe yourself to another individual? Would you emphasize your altruism, your intelligence, your generosity or would you talk about how you need to lose 10 pounds, that your hair is turning gray or how you hate your jiggly arms? Do you realize that the people who love you your parents, siblings and friends do not see that in you – they see the inner you. Do you see the inner you?

I know that there is no one harder on us than we are on ourselves; and, it is that criticism that makes us better. But, when do we say something good about ourselves? When do you say “good job”, or “I am a good person”? I am sure it is ‘never’ because we were not raised to see the good in ourselves, to embrace it and to love it.

Tomorrow take a good look at yourself and say, "I love me". Think of those things that you love about yourself both those that are attributes: kindness, thoughtfulness; and, your physical self: whether it is your eyes, your hands or feet. There is something that you like and enjoy about yourself.

Treat yourself kindly – buy that rose, (personally I prefer tulips) or that piece of chocolate, have a smile on your face that is reflected in your eyes – now you can see the “inner you”. Do something that you will enjoy whether it is going to the movies, taking a nice hot bath with a glass of wine or as I will do getting a manicure/pedicure and having someone massage my feet for 10 minutes.

Be your own Valentine; because, to be able to love oneself is the ability to love another unconditionally.

Always love thyself first.

To Like

We are now in the month of February – you probably think I am going to say something like, “Okay, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow – spring will be early”. No, I am not (although that did happen); what I am going to say is that the month of February is associated with Valentine’s Day; and, therefore with the emotion “love”. There isn’t a store, magazine or newspaper that does not have suggestions on how to spend your Valentine’s whether it is a gift, what sexy nighty to wear or how to make that day special by booking that very expensive dinner reservation and buying those dozen red roses.

We all know that “love” is that emotion that makes you giddy and gets your oxytocin (love hormone) levels up; but, I think there is a stronger, more reflective emotion that we should each strive for from those whom we love – it is LIKE. What is LIKE?

We tend to use the word LIKE for material things; I like this book, movie, outfit, restaurant, etc. It is very rare that we use the word LIKE for individuals – we immediately go to the “love” word. My thoughts are that we probably think that the LIKE word isn’t strong enough to convey our feelings/emotions for that individual; but, LIKE has many levels.

Let’s first take a look at one of the many definitions for the word LIKE: 1. To be suitable or agreeable to; 2. a. to feel attraction toward or take pleasure in: ENJOY; b. to feel toward: REGARD; 3. to wish to have: WANT.*

When you LIKE someone it takes on various connotations – for example:

1. There is a comfort level that you have when you are around that individual there are no pretenses – we tend to be honest and open

2. There is respect that you have for that individual, you value their thoughts/opinions and often seek them out for their advice

3. You trust the individual through their actions, words and can divulge secrets/concerns to them.

When we love someone we often think of various parts – their eyes, their hands, their intelligence or their physical body. We might not LIKE them due to their actions, manner of being or their style; but, when we LIKE someone, we like the whole individual not the individual parts.

So as we review our current relationships; and, as we form new ones – remember there is nothing wrong with LIKE. In fact, let’s start with LIKE and then move on to love; or, if you are at the love stage, try to see if there is LIKE in your relationship.

Here’s to the WHOLE and not the parts.

* Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary