I have been trying to "find me".
Who am I? What happened? Why did it happen? Can I be happy again? When will I get it all together again?
Those are a lot of questions and there are many more. I am trying to pull it all together and move forward - it is not easy. Every time I think I may be making a breakthrough something happens that has me losing the few steps I had gained.
I have to keep forging ahead - I need to not keep some communications so that I can focus on me.
The person I was and the person I will be are not the same. I have lost a lot of my trustworthiness and I am not sure what will replace it.
I am hoping that I can still be a person who gives their all and who can find joy in the simplest of things.
Like I had stated I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday except for the lights.
It is the part that I like the most - there is a candle in every window and then in the living, dining room windows and the French doors in the kitchen they are lined with Christmas lights. I like the coziness and cocoon feeling that the lights give the house and I usually sit in the living room with just one table light on, the Christmas lights and just read.
But today they will come down and will get put away - I think though that I will just use the table lamp instead of the overhead lights - it just gives the house a warmer more protected feel.
Yesterday I began to put away all the Christmas decorations.
It is always a little sad and also joyful to put away all the Santa Clauses, lights any nativity - they have been up for the last month and they will go away for the next 11 months.
I try to hold out until the Feast of the Three Kings (January 6th); but, somehow I go crazy seeing all the decorations still around. I do keep out all the snowmen and some other items that reference more winter than Christmas. There really isn't anything else to decorate with for the month of January.
By the end of the weekend the Christmas tree will be out the door and the lights will be rolled up - the holidays were quiet and nice. Hope yours were too.
2015 - I am so happy to see you; I am sure that you will be better than last year!!
True to the traditions that my Mother had instilled in me - the New Year found me with a clean house, all clothes laundered and put away and even the car got a good wash and was armorized.
I believe in having the New Year find you with everything in order and I did everything I could to make sure that happened, bills were paid, birthday and anniversary cards bought for events in January and a new calendar hung up in my closet and another on my office desk.
I will enjoy the slowness of the day and relish that a New Year means a new start. Here is to a clean slate.
I have never been one to wish a day away as I feel that we should cherish every day that we have on this Earth.
But 2014 has been an extremely difficult year in many various aspects and it cannot end soon enough. I have never had a year that has been so challenging and which has fragmented my life as glass splintering. I am sure at some point in time I will be able to look at this year and see that it will have made me stronger and that I would have learned something; but, for now it is still too close and I cannot do that objectively.
So for now I say - good riddance 2014 - I don't want to relive any of this year.
I went into the city yesterday to meet a friend and could not believe how busy Grand Central was.
In the morning there were more people around than should be at 11:30 and I was so glad that I had a MetroCard to get on to the subway because the lines were extremely long for people purchasing one.
Then in the evening Grand Central was again extremely busy with tons of people walking, meeting folks and with luggage. I needed to dodge folks, walk around rolling carts and people who just stand and stare. What really surprised me was that the train was not full - there were empty seats in all of the train cars.
So who were those people in Grand Central - what were they doing there?
In the last couple of weeks I have finished four books and I began my fifth last night.
I have passed on these books to a friend of mine - so when I see her on Tuesday at they gym I will give her the book I finished last night. I am a great believer in "passing it on" - there are few books that I want to keep in my library as it is rare that I will re-read a book.
I feel that it is respectful of the book and author to pass it on to an individual or to donate it - let someone else have the pleasure.
