Old and New Traditions

This week has been a holy week for many individuals and religions as we celebrate Passover and Easter. Not only do we think of these two holidays; but, we also associate the season Spring with both holidays whether they fall in March or April and this is probably the latest I can ever remember celebrating Easter.

Whether you celebrate Passover or you celebrate Easter both holidays tend to have many traditions that go with them. Each has prayer and then of course the requisite food. I have never been to a Passover Seder and it is one of those things I would like to do as I understand that at the Seder it is revealed the reason the bread is unleavened and why it is celebrated for eight (8) days. For many who do not know the Last Supper held on Holy Thursday was a Seder.

Today at aqua aerobics class several of us were discussing what Easter was like when we were young. How we had a new outfit each Easter. Not only did I always have a new dress; but, I also had a new coat, gloves, shoes and a hat (that was when we had to cover our heads for church). And not only was everything new; but, it matched. My outfit in 1968 – I can still remember it and if I forget there is a picture in my office of me in it. I wore a cream colored pillbox hat with the requisite veil, my coat was a multi-colored brown, taupe and linen color, my dress was a linen color with a brown bow at my neckline which peeked through the top of my coat and I had a pair of patent leather taupe shoes. Okay, blame my Mother she was very much into ensuring that everything matched.

We always went to church on Easter Sunday in our new finery and there was no excuse that got you out of it. I can remember the year I had chicken pox – it was a really bad case with chicken pox in my head, mouth, etc. We had celebrated my brother’s and sister’s birthdays on the Saturday before Easter – needless to say that I contaminated all the children and the entire neighborhood came down with chicken pox. But that wasn’t the worst of it; for me the worse was that my Mother insisted that my hair look nice for Easter Sunday mass. This meant wearing wire hair rollers when I went to bed that night which absolutely irritated the chicken pox. However on Easter Sunday I had the best looking page boy.

The other traditions were our Easter basket and Easter dinner. My Mother was responsible for our Easter basket and always tried to be equitable amongst us children and the one year when her younger sister and my aunt, Fela lived with us. As a young child I liked chocolate – we never had chocolate except for Easter and whatever we got during Halloween when we “trick or treated”. So I looked forward to my Easter basket. This year my Mother bought us clowns in chocolate; but, here is the issue: she bought my sister a chocolate clown, she bought my brother a chocolate bunny, she bought my aunt Fela a chocolate clown and she bought me a WHITE chocolate clown. I absolutely abhor white chocolate; and, besides it is NOT chocolate. I was so upset – my sister who does like white chocolate would not switch with me; and, made my life miserable as I begged her to trade pieces with me each day. Our Easter dinner was always at my Aunt Irma’s home where she would make the traditional glazed ham – this was the only time each year that we had ham.

Tomorrow I will celebrate Easter with my cousin, Gerry, my niece Siobhan, my nephew, Gerard, their spouses and Gerard’s children. I have bought the boys their croc sandals for the summer and they each will receive a Godiva chocolate bunny. The adults will receive a Godiva lollipop either in the form of a tulip (for the women) or a carrot (for the men). Instead of the glazed ham we will have roast beef with mashed potatoes, a salad and vegetables – nowadays we are each watching our blood pressure and the glazed ham is too salty for our diets. Dessert will be carrot cake and a yellow cake with chocolate butter cream in the form of an egg. I can guarantee you that none of us will have Easter finery on; and, we probably will not have gone to Church. The times have changed, not that we do not believe in the holiday or the true significance of Easter; but, more because we celebrate the solemnity in our hearts and not at church to show others our clothes.

The fun will be watching Callum run around the house as we have an Easter egg hunt for him. It will be our continued telling Ryan no more chocolate until after dinner (he has a tremendous sweet tooth) and it will be the enjoyable time we will spend as a family together.

Whatever you celebrate – it is nice to reflect past years and former traditions; but, as our lives change it is great to make and accept new traditions.

Mistakes are a Lesson

I want to thank my aqua aerobics instructor, Abby for the subject of this week’s blog. I am fortunate to see Abby most Saturday mornings when I take her 8:30 aqua aerobics class; she is so upbeat that my club friend, Linda wants her to stay away from the caffeine. Not only is she upbeat; but, she gives us an excellent workout so that I am literally perspiring although I am in a pool.

Yesterday in class, Abby as she does every Saturday told us to ‘have fun’ and not to worry what we look like – that we learn from our experiences; and, that is what I want to talk about this week. How do you look at each of your interactions and experiences? How often have you disliked a situation at work, home, school or a person that you might work with or for, dated or are even related to? At the time as things are happening you are caught in the emotions, drama and are just trying to survive. There are many times that I have questioned my Spiritual Leader as to why is this happening? How can You be cruel that way? What am I supposed to learn from this? At times like this I remember my Mother’s advice: “God never gives you more than you can handle”.

The real question is do you learn from it? Are you open to constructive criticism? When given criticism do you take it with open arms and change your behavior? We are never too old to learn, none of us are perfect; and, if you think you are – that is the first problem. Constructive criticism is a gift – (okay, I know you – right now you think I have lost my mind); but, think about it. The person cares enough about you to provide you with feedback – if they did not care about you they would not say anything at all; and, you could keep making the same mistakes.

Do you prepare yourself to make mistakes? As I said we are not perfect so mistakes will occur; but, there are ways to minimize the impact. If this is a business situation have you reviewed the benefits and the consequences? Have you considered how to mitigate your risks? If you have done all of that and things did not turn out well then you took a calculated risk and you did not make a mistake – the mistake would have been not taking the risk at all.

In your personal life can you laugh and learn from your mistakes? I have always taken life seriously; perhaps, that is because as the oldest child a lot of pressure was placed on me to set an example for my siblings, to make my parents proud and to excel. As I got older I placed the pressure on myself to do well in school, to be the best at work and to be a good family member and friend. I have never relented on those expectations and would beat myself mercilessly if I was less than exemplary in my delivering on any of those items.

Today as I am more comfortable with the person I am - I am not as tough on myself. I still expect my work to be exemplary and for me to be there for others; but, I can laugh at myself – I can be comfortable in my skin. As we danced through aqua aerobics yesterday I could smile at my missing steps or almost going under water as between the buoys and noodles I had too much buoyancy in the water and couldn’t stand straight.

Life is short. We can learn from it; but, most importantly we should enjoy it. So learn from your mistakes, receive criticism for what it is – a gift, take calculated risks and laugh at yourself.

When times are tough I always remember another of my Mother’s sayings: “God will never give you more than He knows you can handle.” I believe her, and I trust that is true. Today you may not know why things are happening; but, in time they will reveal themselves and you would have learned.

So today I leave you with this thought: That which does not kill you, will make you stronger.

Who Am I?

First I must apologize to all of you who are used to receiving my blogs on Sunday evening. Both Saturday and Sunday evenings I did not get home until after 8PM and each evening I was physically exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. Not that it helped because I am currently battling a bout of insomnia; and, so I am also not sleeping well.

Having said all that this week I want you to think of: "Who Are You?” I am sitting and pondering "Who Am I?” How do you describe yourself when you meet others? What has the most meaning in your life?

For many of us it is our work title, where we live, what we own. The past few weeks I have realized that none of that really matters – what matters are those relationships that define you. Most people would then think that I would be writing about my parents or my siblings; but, other than my Mother I was not close to my Father or my siblings.

One of the relationships that matters the most to me is the one I have with my cousin, his wife and his children. He is like my older brother – we have vacationed as a family together, we have monthly family dinners and spend each holiday together. I was actually born in the apartment where my cousin lived with his Mother (my Aunt and Godmother), our Grandmother and two other Aunts. He loves to remind me that my Mother kept him up that entire evening trying to give birth to me. For the first three (3) years of my life my Mother and I lived with her Mother, sisters and my cousin since my Father was in the Air Force.

Later in my late 20’s I was engaged and my fiancée had a cerebral hemorrhage which left him brain dead and after a few weeks we took him off life support. After everything had been settled I lived with my cousin and his family for a year and a half and helped with his children at night while he and his wife worked evenings (I worked days). He went to my MBA graduation and at my 50th birthday although he hates speaking in front of crowds mentioned how proud he was of me that while working a full time job I pursued my Masters, moved to the suburbs and was available for all family events. My cousin has also helped at times with either my job or associations I was a member of. We still talk about the Saturday that he, his mother and his children helped me put together 5000 folders for the launch of an audio conferencing service; and, in Orlando at a Polycom User Group conference as we decorated for the Volunteers dinner and had the painting ice breaker.

My friends – I have wonderful friends some who I have known for 36 years and some for just 12 years. What I have found with my friends is that it doesn’t matter if it has been five (5) days or five (5) months since we have spoken to each other; but, we can pick up our conversation as it was just yesterday. In all aspects of my life whether for celebrations (birthdays, weddings, graduations) or for losses (deaths, job changes or illness) my friends have been there as a support mechanism, a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to and to retain some perspective.

Lastly, the man I date – my friend, my partner, my lover. Relationships can be difficult because there can be unrealistic expectations of each other which can make things hard. What is good about our relationship is that we understand each other and we have no expectations. We each work and understand that we must make that a priority, we each have families that are important to us and for whom we want to be available; and, finally we each like our personal time to enjoy working out, to decompress or to enjoy either a Yankee (me) or a Nets (him) game. Therefore, the time we spend together is precious; it is to revel in each other’s accomplishments and love. We enjoy doing simple things together: going to the grocery store or Home Depot, cooking dinner or enjoying a glass of wine on the outside patio or laying in bed and talking about our day.

So when I sit back and think of how I define myself I don’t want to talk about my career positions, or the Associations I have been a member of or the degrees I have. I want to be defined by the people I have touched and who have touched me.

A couple of weeks ago I was babysitting my great nephew (2 ½ years old) who has learned to say “thank you” when you give him something. He had asked for a cookie and I let him take it out of the cookie jar and he walked away – as I was putting the cookie jar away I hear him saying, “Oni, ank you, Oni, ank you.” As you can see he is having a little bit of a hard time saying consonants when they start the word – but, he defines me as a great aunt who is there for him.

Be Defined by the Lives You Touch, Not by What You Do!!!

Spring Cleaning & De-Cluttering

Spring cleaning – how seriously do you take this and do it? Do you just change the clothes in your closet or are you actually going from room to room and changing curtains, bedspreads, rugs and decorations? What about purging and de-cluttering? Is this part of your spring cleaning ritual?

This past week I had every room in my home except for my office painted, it gave me the opportunity to de-clutter and purge as I changed my curtains, bedspreads and rugs. I know for many people it might be difficult to rid yourself of things and to give yourself more room; but, I am very comfortable with not keeping mementoes.

I am sure this all stems from my childhood. For the first nine years of my life we lived in apartments in Manhattan and the Bronx and apartments in New York unless you are paying millions are not very large. My mother did not keep anything. There were no baby clothes, a favorite blankie or toy, no school items that I had made for my Mother for either Christmas or Mother’s Day. My Mother always cleaned and threw things out if they did not have a use.

When I graduated from college I would move every couple of years – it made it a lot easier to not become attached to anything and to “purge” myself of anything that was not useful – the less to move from one place to the other was the goal. I always looked to be able to place everything in my car and make one trip.

I realized how much I am missing – I have very few pictures of my Mother, I do not have any of her jewelry, clothes or any of her favorite things. Somehow I managed to have a couple of her report cards from elementary school. It was quite devastating that on the day we buried my Mother, much of my father’s family went ahead and availed themselves of her clothes and jewelry. That is okay – I carry my Mother in my memories and not in her “things”.

The last couple of weeks my cousin has been doing the same thing – he has lived in the same house for 27 years and they have never really gone through all the things in the house. We came upon our Grandmother’s diploma from stenography school – we were both shocked – we never realized that our Grandmother was that educated. We knew her as a woman who had 6 daughters, whose husband, my grandfather left her when she had the 6th daughter, she saw one of her daughters die at the age of 14; and, both she and one of her daughters went through ovarian cancer simultaneously – she died at the age of 59; while her daughter was a cancer survivor for over 40 years.

I do believe in purging and de-cluttering your home of the unnecessary. I just gave away to Goodwill a set of Lenox china which I have had for 20 years and never used. Several serving platters all in white – my dishes are varied in color and I have matching platters – I have never used the white ones. There are many individuals who will be able to make good use of them. Yesterday my Goodwill donation consisted of 7 boxes of housewares/linens, a full set of Hartmann luggage, binoculars and a camcorder – much of this which I never used.

I feel much lighter and more in control of my space. This past Friday morning as Mother Nature was playing her April Fool’s joke on the Northeast – I went into my storage area and cleaned every one of my storage bins and organized them for each of the holidays. My gym friend, Linda thinks I am a bit of a nutcase; but, I know that I will be saving myself much aggravation when it is time to decorate for the holidays as I won’t be guessing which bin has what.

As I continued to clean some draws out today (okay for me it becomes an obsession) – I found all the birthday cards from my 50th birthday. I am keeping them – I reread the sentiments and I remember what a good time we all had. So while I do believe in ridding ourselves of much of the clutter, the items that we don’t use and to put our homes in order – I do miss that I don’t have any cards from my Mother, that I don’t have a letter that lets me know her thoughts, what she loved, what she was afraid of and how she managed to love us above all else.

As you do your spring cleaning and you de-clutter determine what is kept and what either is thrown out or donated. Although we each have our memories nothing lets us know another individual’s thoughts like a letter or a card; or, their accomplishments like a diploma or an award.

Treasure who you are and where you come from; not what you can buy.

Wear Your Color

Have you ever thought of color? Yes, green, yellow, pink, blue, etc. And, now you are saying to yourself where is Toni going with this? Okay bear with me.

I have now lived in my townhouse for 7 years and I decided that it is time to paint the interior again since it hasn’t been done since I moved in. Now, most of my family is saying are you kidding me – I don’t think it needs to be painted; but, those of you who know me the OCD is kicking in. I have very traditional natural colors in my house – I am not looking to go drastic here – but, instead to brighten the palette just a little bit. Maybe because it has been a long, hard winter that the Grasshopper Wing in the living and dining rooms and the Almond Toast www.behr.com in the kitchen and upstairs hallway are just a little too dark. Instead we will lighten the palette with Sherwood Green in the living and dining rooms, Bleeker Beige in the kitchen and Monroe Bisque for the upstairs hallway. The other major change is that the ceilings will no longer be a Stark White; but, instead a Linen White tying in all the colors and giving the house just a bit more warmth.

What I have tried to create is a “haven” a place that as you walk in there is a sense of calmness and relaxation. As you know I work from home so it is important that it is a “stress” free zone. It is not that I am opposed to strong colors; but, strong colors evoke an emotion; for example, many restaurants are red because it increases your appetite while; blue is known as a cool color and will reduce it. Also, for any of you who have either purchased or sold a home you understand that a natural, neutral palette is more pleasing because people can envision their own furniture in the home.

Now what about when you dress? Do you wear color? Living in New York just about every woman wears black, gray, brown or navy blue – the classic “business” colors; but, you can show your personality and your love of color through your blouse, a scarf or jewelry. Is there a specific color which makes you feel good, powerful or happy? My happy colors tend to be orange, lime green or pink; and, thankfully with an olive complexion I am able to carry them all off. Now I would never wear a lime green suit; but, a lime green silk blouse under a navy blue suit really stands out, makes me happy and I feel as if I can conquer the world.

It is spring and time to plant your flowers – what colors will you plant? The outside of my house is yellow with dark green shutters and door – many of my neighbors will plant white or red – not colors that make me feel welcome; instead, I will plant pink and purple impatiens, hydrangeas, tulips and anything else I can find in those color schemes. As I drive up to the house the color palette makes me smile and I continue to do so as I walk up the stairs and open the door.

Start each day by choosing the color that will evoke the person you want to be:
1. Strong and regal wear purple or red,
2. Feminine – pull out that pink, it looks great on every skin tone and for those of us getting older it actually makes us look younger,
3. Aloof – wear a cool blue,
4. Warm and inviting – a light green or beige.

Remember that color plays on our emotions; and, you can control your emotions through your choice of color.

Wear your color, don't let color wear you.

Don't Take for Granted

I know that most of you who read this blog were born in the United States and have always been able to exercise our liberties; but, this week’s blog is in honor of an industry colleague of mine who has been studying for her American citizenship.

I admire her as I know this cannot be easy; and, in the end she will know more about our rights as Americans than we actually will. She will need to take a test that will consist of 100 questions; here is an example of some of those questions:

• Why are there more Congressmen than Senators?
• Can you name the constitutional branches of government?
• How many cabinet members are there presently?
• What are the Duties of the Congress?
• Which States border Canada?
• What is meant by the words "Separation of Powers"?
• Who wrote the "Constitution of the United States"?
• When was the Constitution written?

How many of them did you get right? I will be honest I only got 3 of them right and that was really racking my brain to my 8th grade history and government classes when we learned a good deal of this information. If I had to take this test – I would fail. It also made me realize that almost all of us take for granted the freedom that we have.

I have traveled extensively over the last couple of decades due to my various jobs – I enjoyed seeing almost every country I was in; but, I loved coming home to the United States. What I realized while I traveled was we have so much available to us – we might not think so; but, do you have any idea how many brands of cereal or potato chips you can buy in the supermarket? Even in England there is a finite amount – there are probably no more than 3 brands of potato chips and 10 brands of cereal. When we lived in Puerto Rico during my teenage years my brother who was 9 years younger than me loved to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast. My mother could not find them in the grocery store so any family member or friend who was visiting us had to bring several boxes with them. Now, you do realize that Puerto Rico is a Commonwealth of the US and is only a 3 ½ hour flight from New York.

And how many of you have said something negative regarding one of our Presidents or a policy that has been passed? In some countries you could be jailed and/or even executed for voicing your opinion or writing it.

I have been to countries where I had to be cautious of what I said, where I had to let the man take the lead and walk behind them and where I had been warned to not leave my hotel room until my colleague arrived to escort me to dinner or the office. These are all things that we do not worry about in the US.

At this time we are hearing of the internal strife in countries such as Yemen, Egypt and Libya – what they are each fighting for is what we take for granted: the right for a democratic government where they can speak freely, vote for their leader and be fairly represented. I am not saying that it didn’t take us time to get there, women did not receive the right to vote until 1920 and African Americans did not receive the right to vote until 1965. But we got there through protest, rallying and being heard – change came about. And we only lose those rights if we have committed a crime and are prosecuted.

All I ask is that as you watch other countries fight for their rights you give thanks to those rights you take for granted on a daily basis. There are many individuals who risk their lives to become a US citizen; and, we should be thankful that we do not have to take any tests to receive those rights.

Best of luck Indi as you take your United States Citizenship test.

Display Your Green

Are you Irish? I am not; but, in New York, Boston and Chicago on March 17th – St. Patrick’s Day everyone is Irish and proud to flaunt this heredity. Parades have been celebrated in various cities since last weekend – my town had their St. Patrick’s Day parade yesterday although the largest and most famous parade will actually happen on St. Patrick’s Day in New York City. This is the only parade that I know of where New York City actually paints the parade route; and, of course it is “green”.

Living in New York there is a parade for every heritage; Italians on Columbus Day, Greek, Puerto Rican, Dominican Day, etc.; but, every one doesn’t claim to be Italian and wears hats or the Italian flag on their face. Same for Puerto Rican day – it is generally the Puerto Ricans who are lining the parade route. Have you ever wondered why everyone wears the green on St. Patrick's Day?

I don’t think that I can answer that for you; but, I think I might be able to give some insight as to why we embrace the Irish spirit. My cousin married into an Irish family – these are hardworking individuals who have a zest for life, family and service. You will notice that throughout the country most of our Policemen and Firemen are of Irish descent and it is a family tradition for each generation to follow in those footsteps.

Thursday everything will be green. When I lived in NYC there was an Irish bar that I passed on my way to work each morning. On St. Patrick’s Day at 7AM in the morning there would be a line of individuals waiting to go into the bar that was already crowded to get their green beer and green bagel. Yes, on St. Patrick’s Day in New York you can get green bagels. There will also be many people who will be at church before they head off to the parade.

I can understand the wearing of the green – if you have ever been to Ireland you will understand why. This country is lush in greenery and that is all you see as the plane goes to land at the airport is a sea of green. Then it is their friendliness and their “gift of gab”. I remember that my cousin’s wife could speak to anyone without hesitation and continue to speak for hours on end. This is a country rich in religion, pagan and survival heritage and they rightfully take pride in this.

And, lastly, it is the food and drink. Now I have to say that the Irish are not necessarily known for their culinary skill although that has been changing over the past few years; but, on Thursday there will be many families who will be eating corn beef and cabbage – at my house (yes, I am hosting St. Patrick’s Day dinner) we will have shepherd’s pie with brown bread (which I will bake) and Irish soda bread. Since I am cooking I have to admit that I do not like corn beef and I do not like the smell of boiled cabbage hence why shepherd’s pie. As for drink let’s not forget Guinness which this year turns 250 years old and Jameson’s for Irish whisky. I have to admit that I have tasted a Guinness and find it heavy although for those of you who are beer drinkers it has less calories than regular beer and I am fond of an Irish coffee.

However you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day – go ahead and show your zest for life, your gift of gab and proudly wear the “green”.

Erin Go Bragh!!