I have been trying to "find me".
Who am I? What happened? Why did it happen? Can I be happy again? When will I get it all together again?
Those are a lot of questions and there are many more. I am trying to pull it all together and move forward - it is not easy. Every time I think I may be making a breakthrough something happens that has me losing the few steps I had gained.
I have to keep forging ahead - I need to not keep some communications so that I can focus on me.
The person I was and the person I will be are not the same. I have lost a lot of my trustworthiness and I am not sure what will replace it.
I am hoping that I can still be a person who gives their all and who can find joy in the simplest of things.
Like I had stated I took down all the Christmas decorations yesterday except for the lights.
It is the part that I like the most - there is a candle in every window and then in the living, dining room windows and the French doors in the kitchen they are lined with Christmas lights. I like the coziness and cocoon feeling that the lights give the house and I usually sit in the living room with just one table light on, the Christmas lights and just read.
But today they will come down and will get put away - I think though that I will just use the table lamp instead of the overhead lights - it just gives the house a warmer more protected feel.
Yesterday I began to put away all the Christmas decorations.
It is always a little sad and also joyful to put away all the Santa Clauses, lights any nativity - they have been up for the last month and they will go away for the next 11 months.
I try to hold out until the Feast of the Three Kings (January 6th); but, somehow I go crazy seeing all the decorations still around. I do keep out all the snowmen and some other items that reference more winter than Christmas. There really isn't anything else to decorate with for the month of January.
By the end of the weekend the Christmas tree will be out the door and the lights will be rolled up - the holidays were quiet and nice. Hope yours were too.
2015 - I am so happy to see you; I am sure that you will be better than last year!!
True to the traditions that my Mother had instilled in me - the New Year found me with a clean house, all clothes laundered and put away and even the car got a good wash and was armorized.
I believe in having the New Year find you with everything in order and I did everything I could to make sure that happened, bills were paid, birthday and anniversary cards bought for events in January and a new calendar hung up in my closet and another on my office desk.
I will enjoy the slowness of the day and relish that a New Year means a new start. Here is to a clean slate.
I have never been one to wish a day away as I feel that we should cherish every day that we have on this Earth.
But 2014 has been an extremely difficult year in many various aspects and it cannot end soon enough. I have never had a year that has been so challenging and which has fragmented my life as glass splintering. I am sure at some point in time I will be able to look at this year and see that it will have made me stronger and that I would have learned something; but, for now it is still too close and I cannot do that objectively.
So for now I say - good riddance 2014 - I don't want to relive any of this year.
I went into the city yesterday to meet a friend and could not believe how busy Grand Central was.
In the morning there were more people around than should be at 11:30 and I was so glad that I had a MetroCard to get on to the subway because the lines were extremely long for people purchasing one.
Then in the evening Grand Central was again extremely busy with tons of people walking, meeting folks and with luggage. I needed to dodge folks, walk around rolling carts and people who just stand and stare. What really surprised me was that the train was not full - there were empty seats in all of the train cars.
So who were those people in Grand Central - what were they doing there?
In the last couple of weeks I have finished four books and I began my fifth last night.
I have passed on these books to a friend of mine - so when I see her on Tuesday at they gym I will give her the book I finished last night. I am a great believer in "passing it on" - there are few books that I want to keep in my library as it is rare that I will re-read a book.
I feel that it is respectful of the book and author to pass it on to an individual or to donate it - let someone else have the pleasure.
It is a tragedy that last week two of New York's finest were assassinated, finally we New Yorkers are noticing.
I was brought up to respect policemen - they were there to protect us. More than once I have walked up to a policeman to ask for directions and felt safe to do so. I am in awe of any individual who decides to go into this profession - to know that they put their lives on the line on a daily basis for us. I am not sure that most of us would or could do that.
Stop and think of these individuals - thank them for their service and give them the respect they deserve.
I have begun the cleaning and organizing for the New Year.
It is a tradition that my Mother instilled in me, her exact words were, "Never let the New Year catch you dirty". So to that end I clean my house, I organize things and I cull my home of items I no longer need, want or use and donate them.
There is a sense of peace that comes from this process, the order that gets done; it is what I am about: organization, details and cleanliness.
Some may view this as a burden - I view it as a salvation.
It is December 26th - the day after Christmas and many people are at the stores for the after Christmas sales.
Not me - I am home relaxing after two days of cooking and getting ready for Christmas dinner I was not looking to jump out of bed and do much. I didn't even set the alarm - when I wake up, then I will get up - I don't do that very often.
I will put away the dishes and utensils used for Christmas dinner, I will have a relaxing breakfast while I read the newspapers and watch the news. I will then bake some more pumpkin bread, another bread pudding and a couple of more bottles of coquito and call it a day.
This is one day that it is okay to be somewhat lazy.
Let us not forget the reason why we celebrate today.
Merry Christmas to all.
Today I will make the desserts for our Christmas dinner - they will be traditional, rice pudding and bread pudding.
Each takes some time to make - the rice pudding is a 4 hour process while the bread pudding will take me about 2 hours. The nice thing is that after all that time something delicious is made and will be enjoyed by my family.
What I appreciate is that cooking helps me de-stress and since it is precise I focus on what I am doing and not necessarily on what is happening in my life.
Hope that each of you has something that helps you to cope when things aren't all that great.
I don't know which of my neighbors did this - but, thank you.
I walked out yesterday morning to find my windshield wipers lifted up - this is something we all do when we expect that it is going to snow. I didn't think that it was going to snow on Sunday night; but, I guess I didn't hear the weather report. Sure enough we had snow - not a lot enough to cover the ground and the car.
Now it is my turn to be neighborly - two of my neighbors will be away for the holidays and I will watch their homes and make sure all is fine.
Most of us are down to our final Christmas preparations - at least I am.
Last night I made 3 bottles of coquito - 2 which will be given as gifts. After my Gentle Yoga class today I will bake 3 loaves of pumpkin bread - 2 which will join the coquito as gifts.
On Saturday I gave the butcher my Christmas meat order and I will pick it up on Tuesday after my appointment with the other items I need for Christmas dinner. Last night I also ironed the napkins and today I will set the table - all as one less thing to worry about on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
All of this will keep me sane as I will have Callum on Tuesday and Wednesday - and I will get everything done on time.
Yesterday was known as Super Saturday because it is the last Saturday to shop before Christmas.
If I had not had Callum Friday night I would not have been at the stores on Saturday; but, we had to follow his routine and go out to the stores. What I was pleased to notice is that at the Barnes & Noble there were a ton of people shopping. I am so pleased to see that hard cover books are so popular this year. Every time I have been to the bookstore in the last few weeks it has been crowded. My girlfriend was there on Thursday and mentioned that it was the only store that she was in that was so crowded and had a long line.
This has renewed my faith in people - the fact that once more books are being revered, the hard cover kind - not the e-kind.
This year we thought we would try something new and have it be local.
We decided to go to the Westchester Winter Wonderland at Kensico Dam in Valhalla; but, we were thoroughly disappointed. It is billed as watching 2.5 million lights go off to music and it did not feel that way at all. To ice skate it was $14 whether you had bought your skates with you or needed to rent some.
Then the food was from food trucks - I don't have an issue with that; but, the event started at 4PM and the majority of them were not open or serving food; in fact, all the trucks weren't even there. The pizza food truck only sold 12 inch pizzas instead of individual slices - this meant that everyone would have to eat pizza which we didn't want to do.
It was nice to get together and I am glad that it was only $10 a ticket; but, we will not do this next year.
It was time to go through the gift box, organize everything and wrap it up.
I have begun to use many more gift bags then wrapping paper with my family; partly because it doesn't cause such a mess and the other reason is that it msakes it easy for my family to take their presents home.
My office is full of all the gift bags ready to be brought down and placed under the tree on Christmas lined Eve and everyone's stocking stuffers are lined up on my desk to place in the stockings.
This will let me focus on cooking starting on Sunday - one less thing to worry about.
It is the holiday season and it is time to remember and financially acknowledge those individuals who help us out throughout the year.
I know that many people think that tipping is an option during the holidays - it really isn't. It is time to acknowledge people who do various services for you throughout the year; the paper person who delivers your newspaper to your front door every day whether it is raining, snowing or the sun is shining; your cleaning person who is there each time to clean up your messes; your UPS delivery person or mailman who also through rain, snow, sleet nor dark of night, your hairdresser and if you belong to a gym - how about those individuals who clean up after you and provide fresh clean towels.
Remember they do not make much; but, are always there for you making your life just a bit easier.
The news around the world for the last few days has been atrocious, unreal and truly depressing.
What is going on in our world? Why do we have these individuals who have no regard for life whether it is a man's, woman's, child's or their own life. How can that be? Were you not raised with a reverence for life - for being on this Earth and what you are supposed to contribute?
Realize, I said "contribute" and removing lives is not a contribution. If you hate then just endanger yourself - you do not have the right to take the lives of others, especially children. They are our future, they are the innocent, they represent what is good with this world.
Think for yourself, harm no one else - revere your life and think of how you can be of value to this world.
It has dawned on me that there are only 9 days left before Christmas.
I am not sure where December has gone and I cannot state that it has been full of parties or anything very interesting or joyful - just that all of a sudden half the month is over. I am thankful that all my shopping is done and I have intentions of beginning to wrap presents this Wednesday.
I have already taken care of the individuals that I give a holiday tip to - so it is just wrapping the gifts for my family and waiting until Christmas Eve once Callum is asleep to put them under the tree.
I guess since I am no longer a child - the day doesn't have as much joy in it as it does for the boys, especially Ryan who is begging me to tell him what I have bought him.
I am staying strong and not telling him - he has to wait until Christmas morning.
